Recently in Bag of Wind Category

Cerebral colossus Gore Vidal has made a shock move to purchase West Ham football club this weekend. Speaking exclusively to Globaleyes, Vidal told us that he is keen to take control at the embattled London club and is 'relishing the challenge of dragging the Hammers back to the pinnacle of the footballing world'.

This news comes hot on the heels of the arrival of two high-profile Argentinian political science students to West Ham who, some say, have disrupted the dressing room with their unorthodox views on the role of China in the 21st century geo-political landscape.

'You served our Roy and Mick in the Saipan Wars...'

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Living in London during the World Cup is an interesting experience. England fans represent both the best and worst aspects of football. Some are highly intuitive fans, studying the minutiae of tactics, team selections, substitutions and pass completion rates. These are the guys who I have met in the pubs recently - guys who love football: love watching it, talking about it and don't care who is playing once there's a good game on. Unfortunately, some others are knuckle-dragging retards who should be rounded-up and shot with balls of their own shite. But that's another story.

This last week, once again, England has indulged itself in it's four-yearly bout of hand-wringing, caterwauling, gnashing of teeth and hysterical shrieking about the performance of the England World Cup squad as, yet again, they crashed out in a quarter-final. On penalties.

'The peculiar sensation of being Irish' is the title of a brilliant book by Pat Ingoldsby. It is also an accurate description of how I've been feeling in the lead up to England's quarter-final game against Portugal this Saturday at 4 p.m.

Normally speaking, Irish, Scots and Welsh fans (along with, let's face it, everyone else) are traditionally expected to boo, hiss, shout and insult the England football team at almost every opportunity. 800 years of opression. Constantly going on about '66. The smugness of Hansen, Lineker et al. The barbaric behaviour of 'En-ger-laaaaaaand' football fans. All of these are reasons cited for 'home nations' football supporters turning on England every time the World Cup comes around. And this tournament has been no different whatsoever with the usual outbreak of ignorant, xenophobic England-hating all over northern Britain and southern Ireland.

Not this time

But, this time, I'm not participating. I've had enough of the pathetic, neanderthal behaviour of Irish and Scots football 'fans' behaving like insular, parochial rednecks towards a country that we live beside and with which we are inextricably related. I'm gonna put my very neck on the line and state, categorically that I, an Irishman who supports the Ireland football team, (drum-roll) would like to see England do well. And I'd like to explain why.

Wayne Rooney is the most exciting football player I've ever seen. I've never seen anything like him. Not ever. As one Guardian journo recently described him, he is 'part bulldozer, part ballet dancer'. You see, I never saw Pele play. I never saw Cruyff or Beckenbauer. I saw Maradona in '86, but I was a kid and have a very hazy memory of it.

And, quite simply, I want to see Rooney play. And I mean play. I want to see him hammering into defenders and scoring hat-tricks left, right and centre and I want to see him do it against the best in the world - because I think he's that good.

The best against the best

Very simply, as a fan of football, I want to see the best playing at the top of their game against the best. The fact that he's an Englishman is an irrelevance to me.

Now, before the patriotism police start baying for my blood, I would like to say this: if England do win the World cup, it's entirely possible that I may never stop puking. I honestly don't know how I would handle it. I suspect a month locked in my flat might help. To begin with.

Ultimately, I think I'd like to see the Argies win. They've been the most entertaining to watch - playing some superb football along the way. And Riquelme is an absolute master at his profession.

Talksport radio

I suppose this post was born out of my listening to Talksport these last few weeks. Sure, some of the pundits are twats and some of the callers are utter morons, but it makes a wonderful breath of fresh air from the smug, comfortable punditry of Hansen, the obnoxious Ian Wright and the pathetically mono-syllabic Alan Shearer. Talksport is a wonderful station, run by fans, for fans. And sometimes these fans can be very insightful. Throughout this World Cup, Talksport have provided the best coverage of the games - by a country mile.

But what's also amazed me is the staggering level of hostility coming from Scotland. A lot of it is just harmless banter (which is always fun), but a lot of it is not. The Scottish animosity to England is ridiculous - far beyond anything that you hear in Irish pubs when England play. There are many Scotland 'fans' who really, seriously need to grow up.

So the Argentinians to win. But Rooney to dazzle us all along the way. I hope.

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Talksport Radio

Owen Hargreaves' blog

I've really been enjoying this World Cup. There's been some stunning football and some wonderful goals. The Argentinians have been sublime and the Germans a surprisingly entertaining outfit. Jesus, even the Spanish played some useful football before Zidane and the boys woke up. But this week, I've found myself getting progressively more and more alienated from this tournament. A combination of scandalously bad refereeing and, related to that, the outbreak of diving, faking and basic cheating is turning my stomach to the stage where I can't stand it anymore.

Previously on Globaleyes, I had been complaining about the behaviour of the Italians. But that was before the game against the Americans and the blatant dive for a penalty against the Australians. And, I'll be honest folks, I've had enough.

Dive Bitch Dive

The Italians are a disgrace to the name of football. But they're not alone. It would seem that having watched the Italians dive, cheat, fake and play-act their way into the last eight, that other squads have asked themselves why they shouldn't flounce around like a bunch of petulant children too. And no wonder: combined with the influence of the cheating Italians, players have also been influenced by the sight of referees sending off men for no reason whilst turning a blind-eye to bare-faced diving and nasty, vicious play.

Henry dived yet again last night, later claiming that 'in his head' he isn't a cheat. Right Thierry. In your head is it? So, the next time that a child-molester faces conviction he can claim that 'in his head' that child looked eighteen. Fuck off you cheating cunt.

Figo and DeRossi

But he's not alone. England goalkeeper Paul Robinson should have been sent off for wasting time against Ecuador. Figo should have been sent home - for head butting an opponent. As should have DeRossi for his assault (and that's exactly what it was) against Brian McBride (who, notably, didn't behave like a whining child but left the pitch pouring blood without a word). I'm fairly sure that you can think of about five examples that i haven't mentioned.

We all feel pain the same way, so I just don't understand why footballers behave like this. I have never seen rugby players rolling around screaming like that. Has anyone? It's becoming clear now that professional footballers are a shower of spoilt, pampered, over-paid mincing fucking fairies who are an embarrassment to men everywhere.

De wimmin

Now, I watched some of the women's World Cup last year - not all of it, just a few games and a highlights package here and there. Not once did i see a female player behaving like that. Not once. If the women can play the game without recourse to amateur dramatics and hysterical play-acting then so can the men. It's embarrassing that women's football is now the standard bearer for fair-play and professionalism and that the male sport is a sham, run by useless Swiss numpties who neither know anything nor care about the game, marshalled by trigger-happy, egomaniacal referees who aren't fit to organise a round of drinks and played by whining, moaning, money-grabbing bitches whose posturing deserves to be ridiculed on the front page of every newspaper on earth.

Think I'm over-reacting? A popbitch quote from a few weeks ago claimed that Rio Ferdinand had claimed that 'the music, the fashion, the TV, the football all go to make up Rio'.

You fucking twat.

Tuesday, 20 June 2006. I'm in a bar in north London, watching the England vs. Sweden game. There's about 400 people in the bar, singing chanting and generally having a great time. English, Irish, American, Israeli, Swedish and everything else in between.

After about five minutes, those of us at the far end of the bar begin to notice something odd: the three hundred people who are watching in the main section of the bar seem to be recieving the television pictures about three seconds after we do. Everytime that Rooney charges at the Swedes, a scream goes up from our end, followed by the inevitable 'Ooooooooo shit...' as he fails to bury it. Those in the delayed section are anxiously snapping their heads from left to right, desparate to know what's going to happen. Stuck in a three-second time-warp the majority of the pub are tortured with indecision: should they stay where they are, or try to keep an eye on those with the 'future' screens to see the result of each attack as it happens?

33 minutes

Joe Cole stands 35 yards out. A defender clears to him. He chests it, lets it drop and unleashes one of the most ridiculous shots I've ever seen: a searing, looping volley which arcs perfectly from left to right, swooping over the keepers head and in the top corner. Fuck me. Then, it happens. Remember, we're three seconds ahead and when our area explodes in cacophanous noise, every single person in the other section of the bar, in perfect unison, violently snaps their head left and then instantly back to the right, giving 400 England fans a severe case of whiplash.

I haven't laughed like that in quite a while.

(BERLIN) US Special Forces staged a dramatic pitch invasion during the United States vs. Italy World Cup game this evening, after comments from American players about 'greasy, oily Italian bastards' were miscommunicated back to intelligence sources in the Pentagon who informed the White House situation room about a possible threat to American Oil interests in Europe.

Soldiers opened fire on Italian footballers Alessandro Nesta and Francesco Totti, prompting US manager Bruce Arena to state that 'finally, they have a reason to be rolling around on the ground screaming like women in labour'.

Casualty reports are fragmented at this point, but sources close to the White House indicate that several Italians have been subject to 'rendition' orders. Complications arose when US soldiers refused to carry out the orders as the Italian footballers kept hitting on them.

(inspired by a ninebar joke on p45)